Drinks from My Open Bar

Thursday, July 17th
Money Shot Thursdays2-4-1 everything, no cover til midnight / 10:00pm-11:00pm & 3:00am-4:00am
Vagabond
30 NE 14th St.,
Overton
305-379-0508


Isn't Money Shot that awful Canadian band that thought its profane name would somehow generate good music like Toronto's Holy Fuck or Vancouver's New Pornographers? Yeah, that's them. Idiots.
Fashion Week Kick-Off Afterparty!Complimentary Fashionable Booz, no cover / 8:00pm-11:00pm
Raleigh Hotel
1775 Collins Ave.,
South Beach
305-534-6300


It's boner-time as Diesel kicks off Fashion Week with this stylish, bullimic skinfest! RSVP to 212-755-9200, ext. 364.
Champagne ThursdaysComplimentary Champagne for the ladies, 1/2 off for the dudes, no cover / 6:30pm-8:00pm
Badrutt's Place
1250 S. Miami Ave.,
Brickell
305-415-0070


On April 18, 2007, the Journal of Agricultural and Food Chemistry published the results of a recent study by the University of Reading that showed that consumption of Champagne may help the brain cope with the trauma of stroke, Alzheimer's, and Parkinson's disease. Unfortunately, it also showed that it has no effect on Herpes. Sorry, man. I told you those weren't mosquito bites. Dipshit.
Happy Hour!Complimentary Belvedere Vodka cocktails, no cover / 6:00pm-7:30pm
Pacific Time
35 N.E. 40th St.,


The last time I drank Belvedere for 90 minutes straight I woke up feeling like Christopher Hewitt was sitting on my head. Farting.
Mee Drunk NaoFree draft beer with $10 food purchase / 11:30 am - 11:00 pm
Sum Yum Gai
1403 Washington Ave.,
South Beach
305-604-8889


Fine, that's not the real event title. Sum Yum doesn't have time for clever headlines and glossy flyers. But that's certainly how most denizens feel after a plate of Kung Pao chicken and 72 ounces of swipe.
Mojito Madness2-for-1 mojitos, no cover / 6:00pm-10:00pm
Hemisphere Bar
1601 Collins Ave.,
Inside the Loews Hotel
South Beach
305-604-1601


By the time you leave, you'll be sauced, along with the female "analysts-gone-wild" from Boston.
New Thursdays!Complimentary well drinks, no cover / 5:00pm-7:00pm
Uva
2626 Ponce de Leon Blvd.,
Coral Gables


I know what you're thinking: "why should I go to the GABLES when there is so much to be consumed elsewhere? Well, it's simple: vive en Miami, dude. Translation: disco, salsa, and marengue all become considerably easier after 6 vodka tees.
Happy Hour!1/2 price entire bar / 5:30pm-7:30pm
Domo Japones
4000 NE 2nd Ave.,
Wynwood


Well, at least for two hours a day this artsy 'hood caters to artsy wallets. If they really behave, maybe -- just maybe -- there will be a place to snag a $20 blue plate special just around the corner!
ThaliaComplimentary Heineken and Select Vodka cocktails, no cover / 11:00pm-Late
SET
320 Lincoln Rd.,
South Beach
305-531-2800


Tonight, come check out the latest object of Tommy Mattola's affection. Be sure to show up early, not only for the Heineken, vodka, and usual red carpet hurdles, but also to pull a Nick Cannon and scoop up Mattola's other sloppy seconds (and thirds, and fourths, etc...).
Digital Age: New Media ArtComplimentary Ruby Rei cocktails, no cover / 7:00pm-9:00pm
South Florida Arts Center
800 Lincoln Rd.,
South Beach


If you forget to RSVP (212-477-8090), try to charm your way in with this quip: why was the art dealer in debt? Because he didn't have any Monet.
1/2 price wine night!all bottles of wine 1/2 off / 6:00pm-close
Novecento
1080 Alton Rd.,
Miami Beach
South Beach
305-531-8100


Monday I am always poor. Wednesday, Thursday, Friday too. Oh, Saturday can't spend a dime on you, but Tuesday, I'm in love. She may not like The Cure, but she'll be your Lovecat after a few bottles of discounted Mendoza.
Happy Days of Summer1/2 price entire bar / 3:00pm-7:00pm
Pelican Bar & Restaurant
826 Ocean Dr.,
South Beach
305-673-1000


A folktale from India says that a pelican killed her young by rough treatment but was then so contrite that she resurrected them with her own blood. You're probably feeling similarly contrite, spending your afternoons on Ocean getting blasted. Fuckin' lush.
Happy HourHalf-off all liquor, 40% off beer / 4:00pm-8:00pm
Monty's Raw Bar
300 Alton Rd.,


You're lost in Margaritaville and NO, there is no woman to blame for that, asshole. You came here on your own.
WED | THURS | FRI | SAT | SUN | MON | TUES Friday, July 18th
Vagabond Fridays$1 Stella and PBR, no cover / 10pm-12am
Vagabond
30 NE 14th St.,
Overton
305-379-0508


Dolla beer from Leuven and Milwaukee, Jenny Lewis lookalikes abound, and that intoxicating Hercules and Love Affair track. Now THAT'S change I can believe in.
Happy Hourcomplimentary chicken wings and other appetizers, entire bar 2-for-1 / 5:00pm-10:00pm
National Hotel
1677 Collins Ave.,
South Beach
305-532-2311


Foofy consumer rights groups in the UK claim that "buy one get one free" is a deceptive business practice, and as a result such offers are often dubbed "buy one, throw the other away". Where's the trash? This just became a true open bar.
Happy Hourcomplimentary hors d'oeuvres, $6 cocktails / 6:00pm-7:00pm
Conrad Hilton Hotel, Level 25
1395 Brickell Ave.,
Brickell
305-503-6500


If you don't want to drop a hex on a killer cocktail, show up for the toothsome bites (courtesy of Chef Michael Gilligan), which will no doubt be reproduced in liquid form at 2:45 am somewhere between The Room and, well, your bathroom.
Happy Hour!1/2 price entire bar / 5:30pm-7:30pm
Domo Japones
4000 NE 2nd Ave.,
Wynwood


Well, at least for two hours a day this artsy 'hood caters to artsy wallets. If you do your job, you'll be sauced enough to take in the sweet sounds of Induce and heckle the bankers as they stroll in for the unhappy hour.
Happy Hour Fridays!$2 sake mojitos, $1 sake shooters, no cover / 6:00pm-8:00pm
Moonchine Asian Bistro
7100 Biscayne Blvd.,
Biscayne Corridor


During World War II, Kamikaze pilots drank sake prior to carrying out their missions. I suggest you do the same before launching a full-throttle offensive on your Naoko Yamano-inspired waitress.
Happy Days of Summer1/2 price entire bar / 3:00pm-7:00pm
Pelican Bar & Restaurant
826 Ocean Dr.,
South Beach
305-673-1000


A folktale from India says that a pelican killed her young by rough treatment but was then so contrite that she resurrected them with her own blood. You're probably filling similarly contrite, spending your afternoons on Ocean getting blasted. Fuckin' lush.
Happy HourHalf-off all liquor, 40% off beer / 4:00pm-8:00pm
Monty's Raw Bar
300 Alton Rd.,


You're lost in Margaritaville and NO, there is no woman to blame for that, asshole. You came here on your own.
WED | THURS | FRI | SAT | SUN | MON | TUES Saturday, July 19th
Plunge Into BrasilFresh fruit caipirinias compliments of Leblon Cachaca and specialty gifts by Havaianas, no cover / 10:00pm-???
Hotel Gansevoort South
2377 Collins Ave.,
South Beach
305-604-1000


Ok, so I think you're all set, just remember: Gilberto Gil's masterpiece is "Expresso 2222," it's pronounced "pay-lay," and you are an investment banker. That's i-n-v-e-s-t-m-e-n-t. Got it?
Back Door BambyComplimentary Belvidere cocktails, no cover / 10:00pm-11:00pm
Vagabond
30 NE 14th St.,
Overton
305-379-0508


A little less Mott the Hoople and a little more "hey I have friends that are gay", but all in all, if you don't have fun at this party (which has been going on forever), you'll probably realize why you never get laid.
Mee Drunk NaoFree draft beer with $10 food purchase / 11:30 am - 11:00 pm
Sum Yum Gai
1403 Washington Ave.,
South Beach
305-604-8889


Fine, that's not the real event title. Sum Yum doesn't have time for clever headlines and glossy flyers. But that's certainly how most denizens feel after a plate of Kung Pao chicken and 72 ounces of swipe.
Red Bull Saturdays2-for-1 Red Bull Vodkas, no cover / 6:00pm-10:00pm
Hemisphere Bar
1601 Collins Ave.,
Inside the Loews Hotel
South Beach
305-604-1601


Here's a way to ensure you won't be in need of Bolivian marching powder come 3:00 a.m.
ERES Trunkshow at Webster TemporaryComplimentary Piper Heidsieck champagne, no cover / 6:00pm-8:00pm
The Webster Temporary Store
919 Collins Avenue - Suite A,
South Beach


Piper-Heidsieck? Sounds like some mid-sized Brickell law firm. Nerds.
WED | THURS | FRI | SAT | SUN | MON | TUES Sunday, July 20th
Happy Hour Sun ShowerComplimentary cocktails, no cover / 7:00pm-8:00pm
The Catalina Hotel & Beach Club
1732-1756 Collins Avenue,
South Beach
305-674-1160


It's Sunday and you look like shit, so why not come here and stare at all the people who look like Natalie fucking Portman, even while nursing a 24-hour coke hangover and a weekend void of bathing.
Mimosas and ManicuresComplimentary Mimosas with order of manicure or pedicure (must reserve ahead) / All day
Lace Nail Lab
1935 West Ave.,
South Beach
305-605-0111


Next week: do a line, get a wax.
Signature Cocktail Night2-for-1 / 6:00pm-10:00 pm
Hemisphere Bar
1601 Collins Ave.,
Inside the Loews Hotel
South Beach
305-604-1601


It's Sunday, do you REALLY need another drink? Sunday, bloody fucking Sunday.
Soca Sunday @ The Biltmore1/2 off Ten Cane Rum Mojitos, Flamenco music, no cover / 2:00pm-6:00pm
Biltmore Hotel
1200 Anastasia Ave,
Coral Gables


Flamenco is a Spanish musical genre with strong, rhythmic undertones. It is often accompanied with a similarly impassioned style of dance characterized by its powerful yet graceful execution, as well as its intricate hand and footwork. None of which you'll have after trying to cure your epic hangover with four mojitos.
WED | THURS | FRI | SAT | SUN | MON | TUES Monday, July 21st
Mee Drunk NaoFree draft beer with $10 food purchase / 11:30 am - 11:00 pm
Sum Yum Gai
1403 Washington Ave.,
South Beach
305-604-8889


Fine, that's not the real event title. Sum Yum doesn't have time for clever headlines and glossy flyers. But that's certainly how most denizens feel after a plate of Kung Pao chicken and 72 ounces of swipe.
Happy Days of Summer1/2 price entire bar / 3:00pm-7:00pm
Pelican Bar & Restaurant
826 Ocean Dr.,
South Beach
305-673-1000


A folktale from India says that a pelican killed her young by rough treatment but was then so contrite that she resurrected them with her own blood. You're probably feeling similarly contrite, spending your afternoons on Ocean getting blasted. Fuckin' lush.
Free Beercomplimentary Amber Bock with $15 food purchase / 5:00pm-close
Sushin
10501 N Kendall Dr,
Kendall


Saru mo ki kara ochiru: "everyone makes mistakes." So what will be yours, Daniel-San, after poppin' back Uni and flooding your gyoza-filled insides with Amber Bock? We don't care. Sweep the leg, Johnny. Sweep the leg.
Beer Night2 for 1 draft beer, no cover / 6:00pm-10:00pm
Hemisphere Bar
1601 Collins Ave.,
Inside the Loews Hotel
South Beach
305-604-1601


Nobody's here except the four drunken whores who missed their flight back to Charlotte last night. But the beer is cheap and the week is young.
Happy HourHalf-off all liquor, 40% off beer / 4:00pm-8:00pm
Monty's Raw Bar
300 Alton Rd.,


You're lost in Margaritaville and NO, there is no woman to blame for that, asshole. You came here on your own.
WED | THURS | FRI | SAT | SUN | MON | TUES Tuesday, July 22nd
1/2 price wine night!all bottles of wine 1/2 off / 6:00pm-close
Novecento
1080 Alton Rd.,
Miami Beach
South Beach
305-531-8100


Monday I am always poor. Wednesday, Thursday, Friday too. Oh, Saturday can't spend a dime on you, but Tuesday, I'm in love. She may not like The Cure, but she'll be your Lovecat after a few bottles of discounted Mendoza.
Takeout Tuesdays!2-for-1 well drinks, no cover / 11:00pm-1:00am
Buck 15
707 Lincoln Lane (Above Miss Yip),
South Beach


It's about time I got a handjob from that chick I tagged on Facebook last week.
Shuffle Tuesdays2-for-1 well drinks, Maker's Mark, Jack Daniels, and more, no cover / 11:00pm-3:00am
Fox's
6030 S Dixie Hwy.,


Fox's also offers a handy carryout service that stays open almost all night. So if you need to get back to the beach, pick up a few road sodas for the trip back.
1/2 price wines!1/2 price wines, no cover / 6:00pm-10:00pm
Hemisphere Bar
1601 Collins Ave.,
Inside the Loews Hotel
South Beach
305-604-1601


There's still nobody here.
Happy HourHalf-off all liquor, 40% off beer / 4:00pm-8:00pm
Monty's Raw Bar
300 Alton Rd.,


You're lost in Margaritaville and there is no woman to blame for that, asshole. You came here on your own.
EVERY DAY
Happy HourComplimentary Beefeater Gin, Dewars Scotch, and Absolut Vodka, on ice or with soda / 7:00pm-8:00pm
Whitehall Hotel
808 Collins Ave.,
Apt. 309
South Beach


The real reason for drinking is the desire to behave a certain way, and to subsequently be able to blame it on alcohol. So take this hour to justify the handjob you'll try to procure at 4:00am from your roommate's little cousin. In a cab.
Happy Hourentire bar 2 for 1 / 8:00am-7:00pm
Mac's Club Deuce
222 14th St,
South Beach


Oh, I know what you're thinking. "Dude, this is NOT an open bar." Simmer down, tight-fisted twat. When drinks are already about as cheap as a roadside arepa, the least you could do is cough up a coupla quarters and make it appear as if you serve some purpose in life.
Happy HourComplimentary vodka, rum, and gin, no cover / 7:00pm-8:00pm
Chesterfield Hotel
855 Collins Ave,
South Beach
305-531-5831


Well, the truth is, I'll know more by 8:00.
Happy Hour2-for-1, entire bar / 5:00pm-7:00pm
Clinton Hotel
825 Washington Ave.,
South Beach
305-938-4040


Any place that names its restaurant Ratatouille immediately after a film of the same name strikes it big is respectfully shady in my book. I'll drink to that.
Happy Hour2-for-1, entire bar / 4:00pm-8:00pm
Indian Creek Hotel
2727 Indian Creek Dr.,
South Beach
305-531-2727


Get your date drunk enough so she won't want to eat at the delicious Creek 28, which won't be 2-for-1.
Happy Hour2-for-1 Everything / 12:00pm-12:00am
Bellini
510 Ocean Dr.,
South Beach


This address changes hands more often than Pee Wee Herman at the movies.
Happy HourHappy Hour! Everything full-price! / 4:00pm-7:00pm
Segafredo Brickell
1421 S. Miami Ave.,
Brickell


That's right, folks, they call it happy hour simply because "happy people come." At least that's what I was told by the staff. Whatever. This place blows; it's like Vidal Sasoon and Starbucks had anal sex.